I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
