When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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