Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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