I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
