he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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