Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
