Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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