You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
