life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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