she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
sarcasm needs its own font
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
