Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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