Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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