Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
