I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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