We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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