did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
