the condom got lost in my hair
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
