I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
