yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm like, not good at living.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
