Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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