Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
