i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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