I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My Sexting was not on an AP level
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
