how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
