Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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