Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
