I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
