Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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