if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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