note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
