I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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