The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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