Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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