Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
