i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
tell me about the eggs
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
