Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
