so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
