just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Sext me about skeletons
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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