So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
