When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
