My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
