insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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