Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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