Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
