we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Randomize
