You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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