I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
