I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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