he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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