i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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