She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
