theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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