No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
