I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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