I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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